Chaos Theory

Life can be erratic, incomprehensible, complicated, easy, fun, hard, perplexing, mind blowing… but either way, I believe there is something, someone (whoever or whatever that may be for each of you) that controls it all. And it’s for this reason that I really don’t believe that things can get out of control. It may seem like sometimes things are terribly out of control and you can’t stop the spinning. It’s like you’re tremendously, belligerently, over the top drunk and you get the bed spins and you can’t make it stop no matter what limb you put up into the air.

Life sucks. The big one. And no matter how hard we all try we are going to be tested in some way with some event. There are things that each of us has to learn and grow into, and life will throw things at us to make us think, learn and grow. And when you wish it enough, and you know exactly what you want out of life, at times, it’s going to throw it at you just to see how you react.

Everyone always says life loves to throw you curve balls. And in my experience it tends to do it… a lot. But I’ve also noticed that there’s always a reason… to show you that you need to be responsible for your actions, appreciate something that you may have forgotten to, maybe there’s something you need to start doing or stop doing, maybe you’re meant to start something new, be something new, go back, go forward, go completely around… whatever way we are meant to go, there’s something bigger than either of us that knows exactly what way we are headed.

Rubber Boots and Wrapping Paper

The holidays are always such a fun time with my family. All the yummy food and the yummy drinks and laughs together. I think one of my fondest memories was when we were back home and we still lived in the big 2 story house right behind my Nan (on my dad’s side). Ah my Nan… I guess to get the full effect of this story you need to understand the absolutely wonderful person

that my Nan was. She was a tough lady who took no crap. She was a commanding woman with an amazing presence…. Who would do anything for those she loved because she was fiercely loyal. My best memories of my childhood consisted of walking home from the bus only to see her in the big kitchen window with her apron on and baking… usually bread. And in the morning while waiting for the school bus I would go to visit her and she would give me ice cream and she would give my older sister gum. Now if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person she was… she would do anything to make us happy; hop the youngest up on sugar and send her to school and send the young teen with gum who could possibly get detention for it, just to make us happy.

Anyway back to the holidays. Every year, everyone came to our house. So we would all be jammed into the living room with our big piles of presents but we weren’t allowed to start anything until Nan came across the yard. So, first thing we would do was call her and tell her we were up. And no matter what time it was, she would walk through that door with a big smile on her face. And with all the frenzy and excitement of opening presents we would all forget that there was always so much wrapping paper. This is when my Nan would go to work. She would go around with a garbage bag and she would pick up all the wrapping paper. And when she was done, she would put on her grey rubber boots and throw the HUGE garbage bag over her shoulder and walk out the door. I swear every year she reminded me of Santa.

Over the years, things have changed… A LOT… people have left our family and others have been added in. But no matter what, at the end of it all we ALWAYS mention Nan and her rubber boots and wrapping paper.

"I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park!"

I am possibly the most impatient person you will ever meet in your life. I hate that I’ve not started my life yet, that I’m not more settled…. Or even have a plan… I’ve always wanted to be 1 or 2 or maybe even 10 steps ahead of where I am at all times. I was that kid that acted like an adult because I didn’t want to be a kid and have decisions made for me. I have 2 older sisters and this may be in part as to why I am so impatient with my life, when they have things going on I feel like I should to. I forget that they are 6 and 10 years older than me. That they have experienced what I am at this moment in time. I forget that, I think because my parents are impatient with me and my 19 years of schooling… which my mother ever so lovingly decided to point out to me the other day. So what? I am going to be making more money than both of my sisters and doing a job that makes a difference and that I love. I’m just not there yet.

A lot of us want to plan out our lives. Plan it all; where we are going to live, what kind of job we will have, when and how we will get married, when we have children and how many we are having, what kind of house we will have and how we decorate it… and the list goes on and on and on. And it’s easy to get lost in those never ending thoughts and become impatient. Impatience because it isn’t happening yet and impatience that you just can’t get there as fast as you want. But there’s one particular thing in there that we forget… to live. Life isn’t about the destination and how we are going to get there, it’s about the journey getting there and enjoying it! What’s the point in living if all we do is worry about the future and don’t focus on the present?

What brings me to this is the movie Cars (I watched it yesterday hehe). Lightening McQueen is all about the end of the race and getting there as fast as he can. He didn’t slow down to look around and take in the beauty of the world around him and to enjoy life to the fullest. So I’ve decided I’m slowing down and not worrying about the future anymore. Things are going to happen the way they are meant to. Everything happens for a reason so why sit and ponder it? Just enjoy it!

And to think it could've been avoided if I had black paint....

I find that some of the best stories always come from an embarrassing moment or a time when you did something you weren’t expecting yourself to. Those are always the stories that you can share with others and feel totally okay with it because it shows your humanity and the ability to laugh at yourself (even though you look like a complete ass). My friend recently shared a story of when she accidentally got into the wrong vehicle and had this completely awkward moment with this guy.

So here’s me, sharing a story with you that to this day I haven’t told anyone. I don’t think I have ever blushed so much in my life. The reason I thought of this story is because, well, I had just opened up a picture album and found pictures of my enemy. This girl and I never ever got along. She was my bully.

So in grade 7, I hated art. I was never artistic… nor will I ever be. But that’s beside the point. This one day we were told to bring a rock to paint. And I had found this wonderfully awesome shaped rock that looked like a whale. I was triumphant. A whale is easy… and if I made a killer whale it would be even easier… black and white and no mixing the blues! SWEET! But it just so happened that this lovely bully of mine thought it was a great idea to steal all the black. Now for those of you who know what a killer whale looks like, you know that the black is essential to making your killer whale look correct. So I had this discussion with her which consisted of me saying “can I have one of those blacks?” and her answering with that bully tone of hers “No. I need them”.

So instead of fighting with her or doing that thing we poor kids who get picked on do; going to tell the teacher, I decided to steal the one that she was using… I had this brilliant idea that I would be like an action hero in a movie and be all stealthy and when she wasn’t looking grab the paint and run away. So while trying to implement my stealthy plan, I went to grab the black paint that was right beside her and with my ever constant clumsiness I hit the can instead of grabbing it, essentially knocking the thing right into her lap. To this day I burst into laughter every time I think of the look on her face. She looked like a murderous kitten. She was a cute girl, with big blue eyes and a round face, but at the time she looked so furious, it was hilarious.

She didn’t say anything but “I will get you back. You did that on purpose”. Which makes me laugh more… cause I’m thinking “I’ll get you next time Gadget…. Next time” *insert cat meow/roar. Hahaha!!

So this girl waited for weeks “to get me back”. And I thought she had forgotten. However… one random day when we were all done our classes and I was putting my books into my backpack, she walked up to me and got up in my face. Yelling at me saying I was passive aggressive and that it was stupid of me to dump the paint on her, cause I’m stupid and all I do are stupid things. And all at once my complete hatred for this girl all bubbled up and I was so done with dealing with her. I have never been one to resort to violence or force to end an argument. I cower away. But it was at this one time where I had had enough of her saying whatever she wanted to me and not apologizing. So I bubbled up the necessary courage (which at the time I didn’t realize was that much but to reflect on it now, man how bold was I???) and I threw my hand back, balled it up into a fist, prepared every muscle in my body for the impact (and my legs for the run once she realized what I did) and I swung. But there was one thing I didn’t anticipate…. Missing. The momentum it took for me to take the swing, swung me forward and I wobbled on my feet and fell over. Taking her down with me. And of course it was at this time that the ruckus caught everyone’s attention… and there I was lying on top of my nemesis as she was looking at me like what the hell are you doing? We were face to face. Everyone from then on made fun of me for my crush on my bully.

*Sparkles*

I hate winter. I hate the cold. I hate having to start up my car to let it warm up every time I want to use it. There is no feeling I hate more than when even after bundling up with your 16 layers of clothing, you walk out that door and the cold hits you like a brick in the face and you can barely breathe. I hate it because Canadian winters are hellish to deal with. People drive the same and expect that they will get around the same way without an accident.

There is one part of winter however that turns me into this giddy little 5 year old girl again…. The snow. I love it because it makes everything look so pretty…. Despite it being disgustingly cold out and my car is always dirty. The whiteness of it all just makes me think of all the times I’d trudge through it to get to the bus. It makes me think of forts, snowmen and snow ball fights and snow angels and the one time where it snowed so much I was able to step up on the roof of my 2 story house back home. And at the time even knowing if I got caught I’d get in trouble, I had to yell out “Victory!” And of course I got myself in trouble. Sigh.

As I was driving to school the other day I noticed something else about the snow. But please don’t judge me for this reason I’m not as girly as you’d think. It makes everything sparkly. The town that I live in, it’s hard to find beauty in it because it is an all around dirty town but this one little thing made me so giddy. The top of the snow was all sparkly from the bright sun shining down on it and the snow and frost on the road was sparkly too. And all I could think at the time was “ooooo sparkles”.

And what ruined my whole mood was 5 minutes later I thought…. Now I can’t judge Bella as much as I’d like to for enjoying watching her love sparkle in the sun…..Damnit.

The Fear

Nursing students walk around in a constant state of fear. In clinical or in class, always… forever… afraid. The nursing faculty takes pride in the fact that they can make us want to cry, vomit and possibly pee our pants all at the same time. Especially our autocratic leader… Oh do they ever love to torture us and eat our souls. At times you feel like yah maybe they’re doing this because they are teaching us to be tough and understand that this is what the work world is like. HA! They love to watch us squirm. And now that we finally have some chance to take a breather in our fourth and FINAL year because we’re almost there! they just have to find some way to scare the pants off us. We have a registering exam that is at the end of all this… if we don’t pass we don’t nurse plain and simple. However, to prepare for this exam we have to study everything we’ve learnt in the 4 years of schooling. The prep books we can buy are actually pretty simple and easy. But just to put the fear in us they make our exams (the exam prep practice exam) ridiculously complicated with convoluted questions that make no possible sense.
I have a roommate who is now in her 1st year of this and I can see that they haven’t changed a thing since my first year.
Finally possibly reaching the end of this makes me excited, but with all these scary comments and exams it makes it seem like it’s impossible to reach it. Like I won’t make it and I won’t pass.
With all the fear and anxiety I’m still surprised I’ve made it as far as I have….. make no wonder there’s a nursing shortage and all the units are short staffed…..

Patients are funny.

I believe that people think nursing is this all serious, all medical, all the time hard job to do. But you know sometimes, it is ridiculously fun. You get your laughs in while you can, because yeah sometimes we do have those “all serious, all medical, all the time hard” days where once your head hits your pillow all you can do is cry. But most of the time, the little quirks with people are what make your day. I had a patient a few weeks ago that when I walked into the room he was holding his wife’s hand and singing to her in Spanish (not well… but singing). And all he could say was “oohh how sad for you… you missed most of the show”. It was by far the cutest thing I have ever witnessed in my life. And another day I was walking by and my instructor said “look in there on that bed” and there was a lady’s wig sitting on the bed. And I had a patient who when I told him I had a very quiet weekend and that in fact yes I did stay out of trouble, he said “well I am terribly disappointed in you”. And don’t say you wouldn’t get a little chuckle from this tough tough guy with tattoos up and down his arm, just struggling to walk down the hallway and he has a side of his gown open… you really get your laughs while you can because it does get serious sometimes. But for the most part laughing with my patients is what makes my day. And for the most part, that’s all that people want... a little light in their day and be treated like an actual human in the bed, not just another case study.